Are you sure, God?
Sharing this experience has been a journey for me. I prayed a lot about if I was hearing the gentle nudges from God correctly. “Are you sure, God?!” It’s kind of hard when it’s a story of one of your biggest heartbreaks… Then gentle nudges became ‘in your face’, undeniable commands to obey Him & trust Him with sharing. So here it is… Maybe you have a similar story, or perhaps yours is completely different but have also had that proverbial gut punch and are still trying to catch your breath & understand God's heart in all of it… just know you’re not alone. I’ve been there, girl. Don’t be discouraged and read on ♥️.
We were finally ready to expand our family. With our first, we got pregnant immediately and expected it would be the same for baby #2. It took more time than we thought, and was getting increasingly harder and bringing up emotions of disappointment when month by month I was getting negative on each test. I would get emotional but then would remind myself that the months weren't as long as it felt because of my expectations. I still was overall positive, but emotions were starting to slowly surface.
One month our marriage coach challenged us to pray and ask God for 3 bold things that normally we would never ask Him. One request was to get pregnant in the following month. I told God I really didn’t know what timing was best, so most of all His will, not mine. We submitted our plans and desires to the Lord.
At the very end of that month, in faith I took a pregnancy test once again to show up as negative. I was emotional but said, “God, I trust you and your timing, Your will”.
I had a doctor's appointment 5 days after that month we had prayed to get pregnant in. I had scheduled it about a month and half earlier just to establish care with a primary care physician.
The day for my appointment came and I planned to meet friends at the beach as soon as I was done at the doctors. I was so eager to leave, I was practically running out of there with my toddler in tote. As I was nearly out the door, the nurse ran to me and said she needed a urine sample for routine tests before I go. I ran back, went to the bathroom and I was rushing to get to the beach - so I just threw my sample in the bathroom instead of waiting to give it to the nurse.
Fast forward to the beach… we were finally enjoying the beautiful weather. We were in the water and the waves were getting rough so I had to hold my daughter. I was facing the shore and I saw the waves getting closer to our things and nearly pulling my daughters shoes into the water. I got a call from an odd number on my Apple Watch and I denied it thinking it was spam. I handed my baby to my friend so I could run up to move her shoes further up. While on the shore, the same number called again so I answered it while walking back in the water.
It was the doctor's office- I thought for sure they were going to ask me where I put my urine sample. Instead, in the midst of the waves (still symbolic for me) she said “Deanna, I wanted to let you know we did the routine testing on your sample and the pregnancy test showed positive…”
I screamed “Are you for real?!” She said “yes, you’re pregnant”...
I was so excited I hung up on her and RAN toward my friends and baby girl just crying, sobbing, and jumping saying, “I’m pregnant!” over and over.
I could not stop crying, because you know what this meant? Our prayer was answered! I got pregnant in the month we prayed for... I just didn’t find out until 5 days later.
The happiness I felt was so intense. I estimated I was about 7 weeks pregnant. My baby girl was going to be a big sister! Our bold prayer was answered and I couldn’t wait to tell my husband. Here are some pictures we did to surprise him.
The joy this baby brought our family and friends was indescribable. My baby girl seemed to understand I was pregnant. She would kiss my belly and say “baby” and was so excited!
When I reached 9 weeks, our midwife tried to find our baby's heartbeat via doppler but couldn’t find it. Questions were loading in the back of my mind but it hadn’t quite reached the surface & I was not entertaining feelings about the worst case scenario. I went to get an ultrasound after & they said I was measuring at only 6 weeks, so we felt some relief & assurance it was just too early to hear the heartbeat via Doppler.
We rescheduled our appointment to hear the heartbeat a few weeks later. Again, we couldn’t get a clear heartbeat. We thought we heard some movements but nothing for sure. The midwife recommended to get an ultrasound scheduled soon but that it was probably because I had a tilted uterus making it harder to hear. I scheduled it for the next day.
Later that same evening, I started to see blood when I went to the bathroom. I immediately wept and cried out to God, but my husband was so hopeful that it was just implantation bleeding that sometimes occurs. I felt deep down that something was not right but felt guilty expressing that when my family was so hopeful. I was scared at this point. That night I couldn’t sleep and I felt so much fear - and I ran to my bible. I flipped through just to try to find something to hold on to.
God led me to Joshua 1:9 that reads “Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.”
I kept going back to the part that reads “do not be frightened…” I kept internally screaming “GOD HOW CAN I NOT FEAR AT THIS POINT?! This is life or death. How am I not supposed to fear?”
I read it again. And then I read it again. The third time I read it, the presence of the Lord fell on me and that's when fear began to lose its power on me. I began to feast on the Word and come to Him in prayer to ask all the questions, to fervently pray for a miracle that led to life for this baby I already loved. But I prayed boldly while saying “Lord, only if it’s Your will. Your will, Lord. Not mine. No matter how much it hurts, God… Your will alone”.
I wrote this journal entry just before my ultrasound the next day…
To my unborn baby,
What a whirlwind this last two months have been. I write this letter one hour before my ultrasound to make sure you’re okay. I want to let you know that no matter what we find out today, you have a momma that is a bit scared, but I also have a sense of peace that the Lord has given me. Despite anything please know that I love you with all of my heart and soul. It has been a joy to be your momma and worth everything. I have begged God for your life and I have hope that you will be okay.
I pray that it’s God's will to have a healthy pregnancy and labor, but, even if that’s not His will I know that no matter what, God loves you even more than I, and has you and our family in the palm of His hands. Your daddy and I prayed so very hard for you baby. We tried to get pregnant for 6 months! We even boldly asked God if He would bless us with pregnancy in a particular month. I took a pregnancy test a few days before the month ended and it was negative. I was sad, but trusted God and His timing. Low and behold, I went to a normal doctor's appointment that I scheduled 1.5 months prior. After the appointment, I jetted to the beach with your sister. I was in the ocean when I kept getting calls from an unknown number on my Apple Watch. I finally decided to answer and the nurse told me they did a routine pregnancy test and I was PREGNANT. I was in shock and in awe that I hung up on the nurse and just wept and ran in the ocean toward Kiki. Telling your daddy later that day was so special because he was so shocked. We loved you from the start!
Because my last period, we assumed I was already 7 weeks pregnant... The following week we decided to get an early ultrasound because we thought your big sisters due date was estimated wrong and I wasn’t actually 42 weeks when I gave birth to her. So with you, we wanted to make sure it was accurate. I accidentally went to a “boutique” ultrasound place because they gave me an appointment the same day. They told me I only looked 6 weeks pregnant but not 100% sure. So, I scheduled another ultrasound at a medical facility a week later where I found out I was actually 6 weeks and 1 day...They also said that your heart rate was lower than normal. 78 BPM instead of 90+ BPM, so while that was hard to hear, we had hope that perhaps you were just too tiny and had another week to catch up.
I forgot to mention that a couple of weeks ago I had a midwife appointment where she tried hard to hear your heartbeat with a doppler but had no luck. So, finding out I was only 6 weeks made me relieved that was the reason why. We re-tried to hear your heartbeat at 9 weeks yesterday, but still couldn’t hear but faint and far away sounds. We scheduled our ultrasound for today in hopes it was only hard to hear due to a tilted/retro uterus.
Last night around 6:30 p.m. I saw for sure blood in my urine. I wept with your daddy and cried out to God. I was so sad that even kiki was holding me and kissing me. I spent the night praying with your daddy, alone, and with friends and got into the Word of God. God met me where I was and provided peace as I read Joshua 1 over and over and felt my worries lift as I remembered our God who is with us wherever we go.
I just want to say that I love you… but no one loves you more than God. And I have faith in Him. I know God can breathe life into my womb in just a moment. But even if he does not, I will trust that He needs you more. You will still be my little miracle and my baby always.
I love you and pray for your life.
Love,
Your mommy
Reading this letter again, I clearly see the hope I had even though I think my spirit knew what the answer to my prayer was already. I know that some of you reading this are nowhere near having hope for your situation. Thats why I want to be honest and tell you that this letter was not the posture of my heart every day/moment after seeing the beginnings of a miscarriage. I want to share with you the letter I think I would’ve written the moment I started seeing the blood…
GOD, WHY?! No. I don’t deserve this. I trusted You. Why, God?! Why would You do this to me? To us? Hasn’t my heart been through enough loss recently? WHY?! Why would You answer my prayer just in time just to rip my heart out a month later? What's the purpose God, because it feels cruel!!! Why would You do this?!
Messy. Angry. Confused.
Even writing these words makes me feel embarrassed.
Knowing the hidden, nasty parts of me were rearing its ugly head.
Coming face to face with feelings and not being in control anymore.
“But Aren’t you a Christ follower, Deanna?! How can you talk to God like that?”
Because while yes, He is our sovereign, almighty God… He is also our Abba, father. Who already knows the state of our heart. There’s nothing that is hidden from Him, even if we’re hiding it from ourselves and others. And while that’s intimidating because we can’t pretty it up, there’s also SO MUCH FREEDOM, in not having to pretend. He already knew. And I think because I trusted Him enough with those feelings and still ran to His word for an answer, He met me… I believe He was with me in the dark, hugging me, weeping just the same in the corner of that couch. He traded me vulnerability with peace beyond circumstances. It wasn’t until then that I could have had the strength that came from Christ alone, to say “Thy will be done, Lord. I trust You”.
The next day we went for that ultrasound and found out shortly after we had lost our baby.
You expect anyone going through a miscarriage to be sad but I could have never projected the weight of the grief I actually felt. It actually got harder as time went. I was less able to distract myself, the bright side was dimming. My gut reaction was to go, go, go. To numb with social media, a comedy, or company.
One night I couldn’t sleep, I felt grief and instantly went to Instagram and started scrolling endlessly to distract myself. I heard a voice say “you’re choosing an idol over Me...” It stopped me dead in my tracks. I had been in Bible Study Fellowship and we were just reading about people worshipping weird statues as idols… I thought it was so odd and kind of looked down upon them… but in this moment, God challenged me and humbled me immediately.
I ran downstairs and went to where I should have gone long before… the Word of God. I repented and asked for help. I didn’t want to face all of these feelings… I just wanted to be happy again. But God wanted something better for me than happiness… He wanted holiness. I had to realize something before I could start the process of healing:
I was weak.
I am weak.
Some of you are also believing that you make it through hard things by showing your strength by going back to normal, ignoring, or having shallow optimism.
I pray for freedom for anyone who’s reading this. Freedom from having to be seen as strong so you don’t have to face the ugly. Or thinking you have to hold it together for your spouse, children, or for whoever is watching.
You are not a burden to the one true God. Suppressing and ignoring pain only lasts for so long, friend. I don’t say that to discourage you. I say that to encourage you to ask the Lord for help to obtain true healing.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV (emphasis added).
I can gladly brag about my weakness because it ignites the power of Jesus Christ to come upon me… THAT IS HOW WE FIND NEW STRENGTH AND SOAR ON WINGS LIKE EAGLES. (Referencing Isaiah 40:29)
If you are going through a season of loss- whether it’s loss of life, or hope for this world today or perhaps considering revisiting old wounds... I know how daunting it can feel when you have never done this before and likely have never seen it done.
But the God of this universe is the same for all the hurt and tragedies we face. The Word of God has the wisdom we all need when facing any amount of uncertainty, tragedy, and hurt. It’s all encompassing.
It will feel counterintuitive and some days, too much to see an end in sight. But pushing them to the back burner will also delay your healing. If we don’t deal with our trauma and grief- eventually, it will deal with us. It is like a ticking time bomb and finds ways to resurface and manifest.
I am not here to promise it is easy, but friend, it gets sweet. The way I heard God speak to me in thought, prayer, and through the Word was like never before. It created an intimacy with God and a hunger for more of Him. He led me to and provided me the healing after lots and lots of tears, anger, and confusion. This did not happen overnight. Not even close. In fact, one of the things I probably said most was “how much more, God?! How much more grief can I possibly have to give?” One day I’ll share my story of healing, but for now let's pray for yours. Here’s a prayer to start your faith walk to healing:
Oh Father, You are so good. You are so gracious and patient with your children. You don’t force Your way in, but when You’re invited, You leave the 99 and come running after us. And you’re wanting to do that for me.
I confess that I have tried to do this on my own for far too long. I admit I have run to other things to put band-aids on my wounds, when You have Your hands stretched out with the remedy. Reveal those idols to me, Lord and give me the bravery to obediently deny them going forward. Forgive me, Father.
I thank You that I can trust that Your timing is perfect. I thank You that you pursue me and love me enough to call me to greater than just temporary happiness. You allow things to happen that we would never in a million years choose for ourselves, but Your word says in Romans 8:28 that “...in ALL things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
Help me to see that you will do that in this situation. I pray that You would work in me and in my seemingly hopeless situations. I pray that you would begin to show me Your ways. Show me Your heart in all of this. Speak to me, father because I need You. I can’t do this on my own anymore. Rid me of myself, Lord. Guide me into how to properly deal with this hurt and grief, and allow me to experience the intimacy, joy, hope, peace and healing that only comes from You, Jesus. Renew my strength.
In Jesus’ name, Amen.
If you could use a Sister in Christ to pray with or help with supportive resources, please don’t hesitate to reach out to any of us at The Coop.
🤍 Deanna
